Why toddlers resist bedtime

If you’re like most parents, you’re all too familiar with this scenario: You put your 2-year-old to bed at 8 at night, hugging and kissing him and wishing him sweet dreams. It’s been a long day, but still the dinner dishes await, you have bills to pay, the dog needs to be walked and the cat fed, and you haven’t had a spare moment to put your feet up. But instead of spending the rest of the evening catching up on your chores and clocking some precious time with your partner, you’re in and out of your toddler’s room, cajoling him to sleep. He finally nods off — about three hours after he first went to bed.

Sometimes it’s obvious that your 2-year-old’s fighting sleep — he rubs his eyes, yawns repeatedly, and falls apart at the mere hint of frustration. Other times he seems wide awake, even hyper — but you know that’s just another sign of an overtired kid. What’s happening when he won’t go to sleep is the toddler version of “so much to do, so little time.” Everything’s going on around him — Daddy’s in the living room poring over the mail, the pets are scuttling about, you’re flitting from room to room — and your toddler wants to be part of the action. At the same time, he’s beginning to understand that he’s separate from you, and wants to assert his independence. Refusing to go to bed is just one of the many ways he does this.

What you can do about bedtime battles

Teach your toddler to fall asleep alone. If your 2-year-old can drift off only if you’re around, he’s forming hard-to-break habits that will be harder to break as time goes on. One of the best lessons you can teach him is how to soothe himself to sleep. Follow a nightly bedtime ritual (bath, books, and bed, for example) so he knows what to expect. You might tell him that if he stays in bed you’ll come back in five minutes to check on him. Let him know he’s safe and that you’ll be nearby.

Don’t let him dawdle.

Toddlers are excellent negotiators, especially at bedtime. And because your 2-year-old so enjoys his time with you, he’ll do whatever it takes to prolong it. So don’t be surprised if your youngster d-r-a-g-s through his nightly routine, asks repeatedly for a glass of water, or continually calls for you because he needs something. Try not to let him stall you. Tell him it’s time for bed and that he can finish working on his drawing or find the stuffed bunny tomorrow.

If you really want to get ahead of the game, try to anticipate your 2-year-old’s usual (and reasonable) requests and make them part of his bedtime ritual. Fill up a glass of water before lights-out, for instance, and put it on his night table. Remind him to use the potty one more time before climbing under the covers, and give him lots of extra hugs to last the whole night long. Then, allow him one extra request — but make it clear that one is the limit. He’ll feel like he’s getting his way, but you’ll know you’re really getting yours.

Offer choices.

At this stage, your 2-year-old is beginning to test the limits of his newfound independence. To help him feel empowered, let your youngster make choices whenever possible at bedtime — let him pick out his story or pajamas, for instance. The trick is to offer only two or three choices that are all okay with you. If you ask, “Do you want to go to bed now?” — well, he could very well say no. Instead, ask him, “Would you like to read The Three Little Pigs or Maisy the Mouse before bed?” or “Do you want to wear your red pajamas or the blue ones?” He still gets to make the choice, but you win no matter what he picks.

Be calm but firm.

Try to stand your ground if your 2-year-old cries or pleads for an exception to the going-to-bed rule. Even if you’re frustrated, don’t engage in a power struggle. Speak calmly and quietly but insist that when time’s up, time is up. If you give in to his request for “five more minutes, please” once, you’re going to hear it again and again. If he throws a fit, stand by lovingly but firmly as you do with other tantrums. Rushing into his room to check on him — even if you’re exasperated by his screaming — will only reinforce his behavior.

Move your toddler to a big-kid bed.

As he approaches the ripe old age of 3, your youngster may be ready to move out of his crib (if he hasn’t already). Use this transition to a “big-kid bed” as a means for teaching him that getting older means going to bed on his own. Be sure to praise him when he stays in it all night.

Don’t expect instant success, though. After the confinement of the crib, it’s pretty tempting for your toddler to get out of bed just because he can. When that happens, try not to get upset. Simply lead him back to bed, tell him that it’s time to sleep, bid him goodnight, and leave. It’ll take persistence on your part, but if you’re consistent and firm (even though he does look adorable in those footie pajamas), he’ll soon be snoozing like there’s no tomorrow.

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